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The curtain came down after four years of The Danny Kaye Show with a bang.
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In researching my book
Danny Kaye: King of Jesters, I interviewed almost the entire creative staff of the show (both producers, two of the three directors, the main song writer, nine sketch writers, the choreographer, two supporting players, and even a cue-card holder), and one thing I asked all of those who were around at the end: did anything special happen on the final day. Nothing out of the ordinary, they recalled. And, technically, that was true. Nothing unusual did happen during the actual taping. But before and after? That’s an entirely different story.
A weekly television variety show was something Danny entered into cautiously. He had put off even appearing on TV for years, and at first agreed to do only three one-hour specials—one per year. But the weekly series would end up veritably consuming the next four years of his life. He initially agreed to three seasons, but seemed happy to take it to four. When he learned CBS had no interest in a fifth season, he was upset—not so much because he loved the exhausting schedule, but more because he had to learn his show was cancelled through the trade papers.
The final episode was scheduled to tape Saturday March 25, 1967, but the crew was too professional to jeopardize anything going wrong, so director Bill Foster and prop man George Bye organized a little going-away party for Friday morning, before the camera-blocking and song-recording got underway. As production assistant Maggie Scott recalled in her unpublished manuscript
When It Was Fun: “The very last taping of Danny’s show was quite memorable. It started at 8:00 in the morning in the rehearsal hall. Bill Foster was giving camera shots to the cameramen when George Bye went to the turntable and put on some stripper music. Two strippers came in and started dancing. Bill pulled out a bottle of champagne and started pouring. The party continued through the morning. Danny came in about 10:00, saw what was going on, and sent out for a case of champagne.
“Robert Morley, the rather staid English actor was the guest on the show. He was rather startled when he showed up, but soon got into the swing of things. Soon the party moved from the rehearsal hall to Danny’s bungalow and then everyone on the show was involved. At one point, Robert got a little speck of somethng on his tie. Good old George said he could get it out. He proceeded to rub the spot with some kind of liquid and completely ruined Robert’s tie.
“This was camera blocking day and we never did get down on the stage. I lost my coat at the party. Dave went down to sweeten last week’s show and put so many laughs in the wrong places that the following day, it had to be redone. Roger was trying to light Judy Petty’s cigarette and set her fingernail on fire. Robert Morley had been told that this was a perfectly run show. When the day finally ended, I’m sure he was saying to himself, ‘I don’t think so!’ This was a day to end all days.”
A few days later, the booze flowed equally freely, as did the tears, at a formal farewell party at The King’s Four-In-Hand restaurant and lounge in Beverly Hills. The undisputed highlight was an original number written and performed by special material writer/arranger Earl Brown (whose Earl Brown Singers performed with Danny most every week). Called “Put-Down Time,” the song included parodies of various popular songs (Billy Barnes’ own “Have I Stayed Too Long at the Fair?,” “My Favorite Things,” “I’m Late,” “I Cain’t Say No,” etc.) poking fun at the rest of the crew and cast. Warning: mild profanity ahead.
Four years ago
The whole Magillah started four years ago
Before it’s ended
There are several closing thoughts
We want to bring you
And sing you.
For instance
Paul [1] used to be a pretty good musician
But now he has a burning new ambition
Don’t know what could have happened to Paul.
Paul all aglow in make-up by Max Factor
Paul now decides he’ll make it as an actor
God knows there’s never been so much Gaul
When Billy wants to pwee-wee-cord
Paul often has a snit
Still, he’s been known to miss his cue
Then he’s a real dumb sh*#!
Although folks may call him dummo, deaf and stupid
We’re crazy ‘bout Jo Stafford’s [2] little cupid
Strange as it seems
We really all love Paul.
Then there’s Margaret Scott
First you click your stop watch
And stop and think
Run over to the Chicken Room [3] and ha-ave a drink
Tell the troops we’re ten minutes long you think
And then you go back to the Chicken Room
And have another drink
Makin’ all the changes is such a drag
Go back to the slicker and continue the jag
Shakin’ at rehearsals ‘til you start to sag
That’s what we call shakin’ the Mag.
Dave Powers, Dave Powers [4]
Goofing off and screwing up by the hours
Drinks a lot to keep in trim
What does Jackie see in him
Burn his script and send him to the showers
Dave Powers.
Oh, Georgie Bye
The props you keep igno-oring
From stage to stage from here to NBC
That lemonade and all the vodka pouring
If you, if you must drink
Save one for me.
Joyce Van Patten [5]
Joyce Van Patten
She looks good in either tweed or satin
Truly she’s surprisin’
Especially when she’s improvisin’
Joyce Van Patten
Joyce Van Patten
Thinks that television’s really rotten
Her El-eanor’s so lovin’
The roast is always in the oven.
When she’s workin’ on the boards
She’s filled with euphoria
but don’t ever give her dressing room
To little Miss Victoria [6]
Joyce Van Patten
Joyce Van Patten
From Los Angeles to old Manhattan
She’s a beauty that-’n
So raise your voice ‘cause she’s our choice
There ain’t no Joyce like Miss Van Patten.
And then there’s Harvey [7]
Psychoneurotic Harvey
Got hips like Bella Darvi
But sweet as he can be
He’s always actin’
Consider Arnold Tracton
God knows whose bed he’s sacked in
When he needs sympathy.
I wish that there were four of him
On second thought no more of him
He’s a killer—a reaa humdinger
Likes to think that he’s a swinger
Harvey—kidding aside, he’s Harvey
I’m gonna take my Harvey
And make him mine all mine.
He’s just a guy who can’t say “R”
Foster’s the gentleman’s name
Won’t order “Wob-Woys” at the bar
Ain’t that a terrible shame
Go get you G*dd*m tattoo
Go take your dickey and screw
And you’ll go far
Even though you can’t say “R.”
Larsen [8] is—musical clearance
And Larsen is—loot!
Larsen is—Magic Castle
And Larsen is—cute!
Larsen is things antique-ey
And objects d’art very chic-ey
Now other guys aren’t so campy
So razz-a-ma-tazz or so scampy
But other guys aren’t the champ
But Bill Larsen is.
Oh Billy Barnes [9]
He wanted Cock Robin to play on forever
Has he stayed too long on the air?
His ad in the trades was so witty and clever
But too many names were not there.
He might throw a fit should you question his choice
Or else he might quit and go back to Joyce [10].
He laughs and he giggles when you call him fat ass
But don’t ever mention his hair
It’s hard to be humble when you’re great as he is
But he’s stayed too long on the air.
He’s late—he’s late—for a very important date
His watch has stopped
His dog is sick
He’s late, he’s late, he’s late, he’s late.
He’s drunk—he’s tired
Perhaps he should be fired
His excuses are all pretty slim
His ties are flat, his battery’s dim
God knows why folks put up with him
He’s late, he’s late, he’s late, he’s late
He’s late, he’s late, he’s late!
Judy, Camilla, Rebecca Mann, and Ebba [11]
We’ll think of them for ebba and ebba and ebba
Judy and Becky and Ebba said “Good luck” you
Camilla just said “F*** you”—she’s Irish
While Judy’s mothering the writers
Ebba thinks ‘bout bees and birdies
Meantime Becky’s keeping busy leanring “Dirtys”
Bless them—they’re charming
We hope we’ve not upset them
We never shall forget them—those broads!
Bob Scheerer, Bob Scheerer [12]
He keeps all his taste in his “rearer.”
His talent has withered away
Without his jokin’, and jestin’
His long drawn out fights with Paul Weston
He might still be working today
So on his next vacation
We sincerely hope he breaks his other leg
His golden brow soon will wrinkle
He’ll soon be the poorman’s Bob Finkel
He’s queer! Bob Scheerer.
Tony [13] —he’s the prince of terpsichore
Each dance is so gorgeous it seems
His kids in feathers and leotards
When they are dancing hard it shows.
And then there’s Dick Beard [14]
How he stands it I’ll never know
Patience and the build of a saint
Dick gave his very best steps to him
That’s our Tony
He should go home and paint.
Tucker, Mazursky, McCormick and Bernie [15]
Stealing old jokes from Saul Ilson and Ernie [16]
Dashing Ron Clark
Also Barash and Moore [17]
These are the writers we’ve grown to adore
Long we’ll remember these eight fancy-free nuts
Coming to run-thru to laugh at the “Peanuts”
Spinning those musical comedy yarns
Where would they be without William C. Barnes
When the jokes fail
When the sketch bombs
When they’re feeling sad
They simply remember the money they’ve made
And then they don’t feel so bad.
Who put the chewing gum in Larry Eaton’s [18] eardrums
Somehow each Wednesday night we only seem to hear drums
Then there’s Ed Chaney, Pat Kenny, Ta-Tarian and Beatty [19]
Robert Lahendro and Alma and Edie
Old Dickie Hall and Monsieur Jean de Crais
Carlton and Carlson and Gene Mac-oy-vay
Big Tommy Schamp, Red Mandel, and Nat Farber
Come a long way since they played with Jan Garber
Dancing Ross Murray and old Norman Dewes
These are a few of our favorite Jews
Garrison Golba, Ben Nye, and Steve Gokee
Lucille and Don who drinks more than Jack Oakie
Sheldon and Bill, Jim and Roger and Ken
Thank God we won’t have to see them again.
Sidney and Sammy and all the musicians
All of the grips and those drunkie electricians
Budgen and Ann, old Jack Collins and Clyde
Can’t find the words to express what’s inside
Old father Bonis [20] and Shelley and Bunny
Val, Shirl and Larry who hoards all that money
If we’ve forgotten you don’t take it wrong
There’s only so many notes in this song
When if ever, we’re together
‘Til we meet once more
We just want to tell you with joy in our hearts
You’ve all been a crashing bore!
What now, D.K.?
Now that it’s over
What can we do—we’ll have to beg
We thought you cared
Cared more about us
If you must act—hope you lay an egg
You gave your word that you’d return
If Becky Mann let you touch her fern
Now we must cry
Now we must sob
‘Cause we ain’t got no job
Go fly your plane
Forget about us
We’ll find a star with a lot more class
We’ll get a job with Jerry Lewis
And then D.K.
You can kiss my ass!
Remember Tammy Grimes [21] without her underclothes
And Julie Newmar dancing in her nurse’s hose
And how Phil Silvers taught you how to pick your nose.
Remember when
Miss Dorothy Collins’ riding hood was very dear
That Billy Strange guitar that crushed our every ear
I think we may have ruined Jose Ferrer’s career [22]
Remember when
Then one week we introduced the new Big Three [23]
My how chic when Lucy hit you in the “D.” [24]
Remember the Ruffinos and their baryard prose
And Barbara Minkus rocketing to brand new lows
And John who dropped the cable on your French-fried toes [25]
Remember when
Remember Godfrey Cambridge whom we all loved so
And D’Al-Aldo Romano singing Mex-i-hee-ee-co!
The Christmas party Edie told you where to go
Remember when
Then one night Eddie Albert sang “September Song”
Oh, my God—I thought he’d sing it all night long.
Remember when the Gospel Pearls were all the craze
And how their bounding bosoms set the screen ablaze.
That sitdown spot with Vicki that went on for days [26]
Remember when
There’s been a lot of panic and a tear or two
We really can’t believe that now it’s really through
To put it mildly, Dan, it’s been a ball with you
We’ll always remember when.
Merci, Daniel
There’s no more to tell
What we mean is, gee, it’s really been swell
Just talkin’ and singin’ and jumpin’ and swingin’ with you
From fat Early Brown and the singers
We sincerely do want to thank you
Mm-wah!
[1] The show’s orchestra leader/musical director Paul Weston
[2] Weston’s wife, singer Jo Stafford
[3] Chicken Room was Weston’s nickname for the crew’s favorite after-hours watering hole, The City Slicker
[4] Associate director Dave Powers
[5] Supporting player Joyce Van Patten
[6] Frequent guest child star Victoria Paige Meyerink
[7] Supporting player Harvey Korman
[8] Associate producer Bill Larsen, who was also the founder of Hollywood’s Magic Castle
[9] Composer and special material writer Billy Barnes
[10] Barnes’ ex-wife Joyce Jameson, a comedienne who was a frequent supporting player on The Danny Kaye Show
[11] The office staff, including the shy secretaries Becky Mann and Ebba Johnson
[12] Bob Scheerer produced the show’s last two seasons after directing the first two
[13] Choreographer Tony Charmoli
[14] Charmoli’s assistant, Dick Beard
[15], [17] The final year’s writing staff: Larry Tucker, Paul Mazursky, Pat McCormick, Bernie Rothman, Ron Clark, Norman Barasch, Caroll Moore
[16] Former writers Saul Ilson and Ernie Chambers
[18] Soundman Larry Eaton
[19] The four cameramen, followed by the rest of the technical crew
[20] Herb Bonis, the show’s executive producer, who as Danny’s business manager led his production company, Dena Productions. Shelley was his daughter, Bunny his wife.
[21] Free-spirited singer/actress Tammy Grimes rehearsed for her guest appearance sans undies
[22] Actor Jose Ferrer guest starred on the series twice—the second and final time in a highly campy sketch
[23] Band featuring Mama Cass Elliott and Jim Hendricks (who would go on to the Mamas and the Papas) and Tim Rose
[24] Lucille Ball stood toe-to-toe with Danny during her guest stint.
[25] Danny taped the last several shows of season one in a cast, after severely burning his right foot. Unfortunately, during one rehearsal, a cable-puller dropped one of the heavy cables on his bandaged appendage.
[26] Wee Victoria Meyerink became a near-regular late in season two, until she began clamming up and Danny tried everything to coax the cuteness out of her. It didn’t work.
